On 2013 and Freeing the Orcas

Once again, I got super stoked to write, but when I positioned my face in front of the blank computer page, I froze up. My fingers became lifeless noodles. My brain forgot the ideas that were pounding on my cranium just minutes before. My heartbeat and breath quickened.

But it’s not fair. I love to write. I love to hear what people think of the silly things my brain translates into words. So I will start off my damn cliche resolution blog post with the promise to defeat the anxiety writer’s block demon lurking within me. Screw him.

This year has put me face to face with many fears. I graduated college and had to ask and answer the question, “Now what?” Luckily I didn’t give myself much time to build the anxiety wall. I jumped on internships.com during a lazy afternoon and landed the awesome job I have now.

This year, I allowed my irrational anxieties to grow so sharp that they nearly carved a hole in my stomach. My body forced me to deal with insecurities and remorses I’d been holding onto for years. I had the choice to either face the past or let it physically harm me. I surprised myself by being strong enough to face those emotions. I couldn’t have done it without yoga, which remains my foundation that keeps me grounded and clear-minded. I am so thankful for One Love Yoga Boutique, which has become like a second home to me.

This year, I moved back home. My parents and I have always had a healthy, fun relationship, but the transition from independence for four years to living in my childhood basement scared the hell out of me. They’ve been nothing but understanding and respectful of my 22-year-old self. Those irrational fears were again put to rest.

This year, I grew up. It used to be that on the weekends, I’d relentlessly search for a party or event to go to and “make the most” of days off. Now, I’d much rather chill out with my boyfriend, best friends and family. It’s not the magnitude of the night – it’s the quality of people around me that matters.

This year, I learned how to cherish time spent alone. My brain used to start racing in solitude and I would need some distraction to separate me from myself. I’m not saying I’m completely calm all the time now. But now, I take those opportunities to pause and think, “What’s really going on. Are you being cray right now? Are your fears rightly founded?” 99.98% of the time, the answer is Cray. I acknowledge it. And then I can go on with my life.

For 2014, I’m ready for even more fear-facing. I’m ready for more writing. More chill time. More conversations about the future. And freeing the orcas. You heard me, Sea World. I’m coming for you.

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